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Learn the 5 critical dimensions of divorce shared by those who have experienced them.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.  Just the word alone can elicit intense emotions that seem unmanageable and frightening.  

As the day was ending and the house began to darken, I sat in my study, alone. This day was the culmination of 16 months of legal and psychological warfare that had finally come to an end.  As I sat there sipping a glass of wine, I became flooded with feelings of sadness, anger and fear. The idea that I was alone and single took my breath away. After a 20-year marriage, I  didn’t know who I was or how to be. I desperately wanted someone to turn to … someone who would tell me everything was going to be okay … that I was going to be okay. But no matter where I turned, I couldn’t find comfort and peace. The person I would usually turn to for those kinds of assurances was gone.”

(Anonymous)

Divorce is a painful process, whether you’ve made the decision to divorce or it has been made for you. Breaking the bonds of love and attachment with someone you once trusted, loved and cherished can be excruciatingly painful. It can leave you feeling empty and unable to define yourself as you shift from couple to single. 

It’s important to compartmentalize divorce and to clearly understand it’s moving parts. Doing so can help you better understand why it’s such a painful process, so that you can learn to cope with what’s ahead and eventually move into healing and growth.

The Emotional Divorce.  This is the most obvious, yet many individuals who divorce don’t allow themselves (or feel entitled to) take the time to grieve. Saying goodbye to the relationship that once showed great promise with someone you once loved with all your heart and soul is never easy, even if you have learned to dislike and resent them. When we love, we form a strong bond and attachment to that special person. The relationship defines who we are. Breaking that bond is painfully uncomfortable and unnerving. It leaves us feeling untethered and uncertain. The range of emotions that one experiences can be scary. That’s why it’s important that you seek emotional support. This is not something you should go through alone. Being able to talk to a good therapist who can assure you your emotions are valid and normal can help you heal and grow faster. Friends and family can be very comforting, too. But they can be biased. You need someone who can listen and help you figure out you.

It’s just awful.  I feel so betrayed … so alone. We made these vows to love and protect each other through thick and thin; and then he falls out of love with me. How does that happen? How do you just give up on us? I don’t want to give up. I want to keep trying.

(Anonymous)

The Psychological Divorce. What does society tell us about divorce? Unfortunately, one of the things society tells us is that we have somehow failed. Although divorce is common, it’s still stigmatic. If I couldn’t make my marriage work, what  does this suggest about me? Falling into this trap can be a dangerous place to go; and it’s important to understand that while your marriage ended, you were only half of the equation. It takes two to make a marriage work; and to end it. Perhaps your partner wasn’t strong enough or secure enough to keep trying. Or perhaps he or she was the stronger one, who realized that ending the pain and sadness so that each of you could begin to heal was the best course to take.

My friends and I would talk about our marriages – the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But they weren’t getting divorced. It seemed like no matter how bad it got for them;  they were not giving up on their marriages. They were committed. So, now I’m asking myself, what was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I worth fighting for? Why couldn’t he love me enough to stick it out for the good and the bad?  What’s wrong with me that he didn’t love me that much?

(Anonymous)

The Social Divorce. If you’ve been married for some time, then more than likely most of your social life revolves around couples’ friends who have similar interests. While couple’s friends will be supportive, more than likely socializing will shift. Some friends will be extremely kind and supportive and may even attempt to include you; but most likely you will feel different about being with them. It’s takes time, but you will want to build a new social life that includes both friends who are married and friends who are single. And when choosing single friends, it’s important to choose the right ones! While misery loves company, and we want to know the experience of others who are hurting like we are; it’s important to surround yourself with women or men who have been divorced and have not just survived it; but who are thriving as a result of it. 

I don’t know how to be with my friends anymore. It’s no longer dinners together as couples, now I’ve been relegated to lunches or getting together for a yoga class and coffee or a smoothie afterward. My very best friend’s husband won’t allow her to socialize with me in the evenings; because I’m single — as if I am trying to get her to join me on the dark side. My friends view me differently. One of my dear friend’s husband actually made a pass at me. I couldn’t believe it.

(Anonymous)

The Sexual/Sensual Divorce. Marriage is about emotional and sexual intimacy. They go hand in hand; and many experts suggest that you can’t have one without the other. For some, even if sexual intimacy began to wane during the marriage; when they divorced, the desire to be touched and held and made love to becomes strong again. We desire what we cannot have. One client shared that she thought that the sexual embers within her had died (she was 37). But while those sexual sparks may have laid dormant for a while, they’re still there. Many times, the loss of the relationship reignites the desire for sexual intimacy.

I thought that any sexual attraction I had to him was gone. But I remember seeing him one day after he had moved out. I remember looking at him and just wanting him so badly. There was such a longing to have him kiss me, hold me, make love to me. I couldn’t believe that after all this time, that desire came back.

(Anonymous)

The Legal Divorce. In the State of Florida, a divorce is referred to as a “dissolution of marriage.” Florida is one of many states where either partner can file to dissolve the marriage. You only need to prove that you are married and have been a resident in the State of Florida for at least six months. A petition  to dissolve the marriage is then filed by a family law, attorney or one of the spouses, requesting that the court dissolve the marriage. And then it begins. The process of dissolution can be ugly and adversarial. While going through the divorce, the years of love, affection and memories are literally reduced to discussions (or arguments)  about  alimony, child support, equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities; and most importantly and most difficult — deciding how to proportionately share time with your children.

(For more information about Collaborative Divorce, a process that is non-adversarial and supports your needs, see Dr. Laura’s blog here.)

It all gets reduced down to two things – money and property. Who will pay the bills? the lawyers, child support? It’s no longer about the love we once shared. It becomes about, “how are you going to compensate me for the years we spent together?” Hurt and pain became reduced to dollars and cents. It’s lonely, and it makes you question why you worked so hard all those years.  You start to think a lot more about what’s important to you versus material obligations.

(Anonymous)

I never worked during our marriage. We decided together that once we had children I would not work so that I could be home for our children. I gave up a career and potential for advancement in my field. And now he doesn’t feel that I deserve to continue to live my life in the same way I have all these years. It’s painful to think that he places such little value on the love and commitment we once shared. And it’s scary. How am I going to do this? How will I live?

(Anonymous)

All of the dimensions of divorce are difficult. But they don’t have to be devasting. It’s important for your well-being and the well-being of your children that you seek support and guidance through this process. Children who know that you are okay will learn to be okay too. This is also a time for self-care and self-compassion and sometimes that’s difficult for to see when you’re deep in the weeds of the process. It’s important to find a therapist who understands and has knowledge of all of the dimensions of divorce, who can validate and normalize what you are feeling. You need an unbiased, neutral advocate who can be there for you, who will hold space for your pain and anguish until you can heal.  

I couldn’t have gotten through this alone. I needed my therapist to tell me that I was not going crazy and that all of the thoughts and feelings I was having were okay. There were some days that I would just sit on her couch and cry. She never judged me or tried to rush me through my feelings. She just sat there with me in the midst of it all. She helped me find my strength and courage.  I am so grateful!

(Anonymous)

Dr. Laura Richter is a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist who works with individuals, couples, and families. Her specialties include healing after divorce, coparenting, rebuilding trust, and improving communication. She also specializes in managing anxiety and depression through mindfulness and meditation. She is a trained mediator, qualified parenting coordinator and collaborative law mental health professional. For more information, please call or text 561-715-6404 to schedule a consultation to see how we can help.